About Elizabeth, For Elizabeth. Proceed:
1. Name some of Henry VIII’s wives:
- Catherine Sub-Par
- Plain Seymour
- Katherine Blowhard
- Her Royal Highness Anne Boleyn
2. What news has come under the oak tree?
- “For Gods sake, quit lying about under trees, you’re the Queen now”
- “I have to give you urgent news! But not here, somewhere else.”
- “Come! The animals have already begun a reprisal of The Circle of Life’”
- “Aha- an apple has fallen on my head and so I have discovered I am Queen. Science!”
3. What do we think of Sir Francis Drake?
- Jolly good
- Jolly rotten
- Jolly roger
- Walter Raleigh
4. Which suitors shall we reject today?
- Price Eric the Desperate
- Prince Philip of Good Heavens No
- Archduke Charles the Bore
- A busload of Catholics
5. Whither the Armada?
- ‘neath my boot-heel, sirrah
- To be schooled anon
- Hand unto to them forthwith th’ ass o’ Spain
- I breakfast upon Armadas such as thine
6. Let us have black teeth because:
- It makes the smallpox scars much less the first thing that people notice
- It’s fashionable, unlike scurvy, which is disgusting
- More sweeties please
7. What shall we wear to Tilbury?
- A frock that says “heart and stomach of a king” but, you know, cute
- Leather jacket with Let Tyrants Fear emblazoned on back with flames
8. How shall we sign this letter to our Dudley?
- Most serene prince
- My eyes
- Your wife will rue the day she took you from me
9. What is the Babington Plot?
- Some old bosh Walsingham keeps whispering about? Why does that man need money for arsing around instead of doing something useful?
- Someone rolled Mary Queen of Scots out of prison in a beer barrel?
- Mary Queen of Scots is handing out word puzzles?
- Walsingham’s men are lurking around Mary Queen of Scots’ privy wearing prosthetic noses? I don’t have time for this.
10. Why do they call it the Golden Age?
- For we have mad cash (though we do not spend any of it)
- For white is for Virgin Queens and gold is for “Virgin” Queens
- For we are like a tasty frosting in the middle of an otherwise rotten oreo
- I don’t know but I’ll roll with it
Please circle all your answers and only hand in your test if you are actually Queen Elizabeth.
Bonus: Apples do not fall out of oak trees.